


I'm Okay

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Other, Self-Harm, Suicide, serious trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:30:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3903127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i wrote this when i was having a bad day<br/>.-. i apologize</p></blockquote>





	I'm Okay

Dan took a deep breath and turned on the camera.

"Hello internet," He said shakily. He looked towards his blade and pills off the screen. They egged him on.

"I'm uploading this unedited. I also put it on a post queue so by the time it'll be posted I'll already be gone."

He looked away again, unable to look at the camera. Because looking at the camera would mean facing the millions of people he was leaving behind. Facing his friends. Facing his family. Facing Phil.

"I want you to know. It's not anyone's fault but mine. I'm just a fuck up, don't blame anyone but me. I love you all to pieces and I appreciate every single one of you. But I don't deserve them. I'm a horrible excuse of a human being. So this is my goodbye. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I just can't live anymore. I can't do it. I don't deserve the life I've been given."

The pang of lonliness was felt in his stomach again and he started to cry.

_Great, no tears will come to my eyes for weeks, and now when I'm not supposed to cry, I'm almost bawling. You piece of shit, get it together._

"I have a few...things to say. To all my subscribers. You are the best people in the world, you don't understand. I love each and every single one of you, even if you're a cannibal. You're worth it. Keep going in life. Forget about me. I'm not worth your thoughts or time. I believe in you guys. If you ever liked me even a tiny bit. Do this for me, please. Hold on. Keep living. Forget about the stupid guy on YouTube that you were subscribed to before-," His voice caught. He shook his head and sniffed.

"To my friends and family. I know you all will probably be affected by this, but please don't be sad. Don't be sad for me. I love you all too much. I'm finally going to be happy. Don't let me change anything about your life."

Tears started to freely flow down his face.

"To...Phil.  
You saved me all those years ago. I'm sorry you couldn't keep saving me. You asked me to try my hardest. I really did try. You asked me to hold on. I let go. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I've let you down. I'm going to miss you. I know you're going to miss me. Please move on. I know I've said this just before but please. Find a wife or husband or whatever will make you happy. Have kids, send those kids to University, have grandkids. Carry on with your life. Be happy. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you. I'm sorry I never told you how much you really meant to me. But I suppose that doesn't matter now."

He found the courage -probably from adrenaline from what he was about to do- to look at the camera.

"I know this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but I feel no happiness anymore. It literally is like a void inside of me. A void of sadness and moping." He laughed without humor. "But yes. This is the end of danisnotonfire. Thank you for staying with me to the end."

He shut the camera off and uploaded it to his account so it would post the next morning. He grabbed his coat and shoved the blades in his pocket. He turned the bottle of sleeping pills over in his hand. There was no going back now. He popped open the bottle and downed half of them dry. He pulled out his phone. 

 _To Phil:_  
_Im gonna be out for a while_  
_From Phil:_  
_okay, can you pick up milk when you come back? we need more_

Dan didn't reply. He almost told Phil everything, that he would not be coming back. But he ignored that urge and left the flat. He walked to the nearest abandoned building. He couldn't kill himself in their apartment. He had already found his place weeks before. He barely even thought about where he was walking, as he had walked there so many times in recent days.

He walked up the stairs and slid down against the wall. He pulled his sleeve up and admired the perfectly symmetrical lines on his wrist. They were reminders for him. He placed the blade on his wrist and cut twice vertically. He barely felt the sting.

Dan pulled up his other sleeve and did the same. Then he pulled out his phone.

 _danisnotonfire tweeted:_  
_now_

He smiled as he scrolled through all the sarcastic tweets and confused tweets. He'd be leaving them all behind. But it's okay.

The black from the edges of his vision clouded inwards and the last thing he remembered was absolute euphoria.

He's okay.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this when i was having a bad day  
> .-. i apologize


End file.
